Killing Kittens

There is a saying "When you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

As we speak, scientists and researchers are spending millions of dollars trying to prove if this hypothesis is true. Laboratory tests have so far been inconclusive. 1500 test subjects were placed in a special "masturbatory monitoring area" with a kitten each and told to whack away. Only one kitten death was reported, and that was caused by a test subject with a low IQ who took the instructions literally.

The results would appear to indicate that masturbation has very little effect on kitten mortality, however scientists are still uncertain as to whether the data was skewed because God simply chose to absent himself from this experiment.

In Australia, cats are feral animals. They hunt native wildlife and are responsible for numerous extinctions. Researchers there remain very interested in the masturbation hypothesis, as it could help save endangered species and cut the cost of reducing feral cat numbers. To date they have not been very successful with their experiments, possibly due to flawed recruitment methods. Test subjects turned up in droves when promised a good time with some wild pussy. Unfortunately few were actually willing to pleasure themselves in the same room as a hissing, untamed feral cat.

There are only a very few known cases of masturbation killing kittens.

One kitten death occurred in Ohio in 1984 when a Mr Terry Winterbottom accidentally dropped a box of old Hustler magazines on his new pet Tinkles.

Another recorded case of kitten-killing happened in Surrey, England in 1998 when the cat belonging to a Ms Minnie Archer swallowed her vibrating butterfly which had been left on the bathroom sink, slipped into the undrained bath and was consequently electrocuted.

If you are considering new methods to kill cats, it's possible that masturbation may not be the best option.

If you'd like to kill virtual kittens, I recommend the Cat-a-Pult game available here or here.

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Beautiful Agony