There is a saying "When you masturbate, God kills a kitten."
As we speak, scientists and researchers are spending millions of dollars
trying to prove if this hypothesis is true. Laboratory tests have so far
been inconclusive. 1500 test subjects were placed in a special "masturbatory
monitoring area" with a kitten each and told to whack away. Only
one kitten death was reported, and that was caused by a test subject with
a low IQ who took the instructions literally.
The results would appear to indicate that masturbation has very little
effect on kitten mortality, however scientists are still uncertain as
to whether the data was skewed because God simply chose to absent himself
from this experiment.
In Australia, cats are feral animals. They hunt native wildlife and are
responsible for numerous extinctions. Researchers there remain very interested
in the masturbation hypothesis, as it could help save endangered species
and cut the cost of reducing feral cat numbers. To date they have not
been very successful with their experiments, possibly due to flawed recruitment
methods. Test subjects turned up in droves when promised a good time with
some wild pussy. Unfortunately few were actually willing to pleasure themselves
in the same room as a hissing, untamed feral cat.
There are only a very few known cases of masturbation killing kittens.
One kitten death occurred in Ohio in 1984 when a Mr Terry Winterbottom
accidentally dropped a box of old Hustler magazines on his new pet Tinkles.
Another recorded case of kitten-killing happened in Surrey, England in
1998 when the cat belonging to a Ms Minnie Archer swallowed her vibrating
butterfly which had been left on the bathroom sink, slipped into the undrained
bath and was consequently electrocuted.
If you are considering new methods to kill cats, it's possible that masturbation
may not be the best option.
If you'd like to kill virtual kittens, I recommend the Cat-a-Pult game