Church pews are invariably hard, uncomfortable, intransigent, and not really designed for the realities of the human body.

Kind of like church dogma, really.

Some churches would have you believe that God hates sex. That sex is a "sin". They quote selectively from the Bible to prove that masturbation is wrong and that gay people are evil, conveniently ignoring those other bits about how it's OK to have slaves and sell your daughters and forgetting about how you're not supposed to eat shellfish or wear glasses in church.

Well, it's time to stand up and say "Poo to that!"

You can take a stance against the repression of sexuality within organized religion by taking this specially-designed exexExChurch pledge:

I, state your name, no, I mean, say your name, don't just read out "state your name"… unless your name actually IS "state your name"… hereby hold the following truths to be self-evident:

I believe that sex is a good thing and that my right and/or left hand and/or state the name of your vibrator is my friend.

I believe that if God hated masturbation he would have made our arms short, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I believe that if God hated homosexuality, he wouldn't have allowed the dolphins and flamingos and bedbugs to do it.

I believe that Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy should be cut from the next edition of the Bible because they're contradictory, out of date, and tend to detract from the forward movement of the plot.

I believe that me looking at porn is unlikely to cause kittens to be killed, unless I squash one under a pile of old Hustler magazines.

I know that if I use porn I can do it in a sensible rational manner, and will not turn into a raving maniac with cannibalistic tendencies and a dog named "Precious."

I hereby promise to overcome any addiction I may have had to organized closed-minded religion through the use of irony, parody, porn, and sleeping in on Sundays.

If I lapse in this promise, I hereby promise to masturbate in church while singing "I Touch Myself", so that they strongly discourage me from returning next week.

We here at exexExChurch know that this pledge… does bugger-all really. But it's nice to have a pledge, isn't it?