|Say Poo to the
Church pews are invariably hard, uncomfortable, intransigent, and not
really designed for the realities of the human body.
Kind of like church dogma, really.
Some churches would have you believe that God hates sex. That sex is
a "sin". They quote selectively from the Bible to prove that
masturbation is wrong and that gay people are evil, conveniently ignoring
those other bits about how it's OK to have slaves and sell your daughters
and forgetting about how you're not supposed to eat shellfish or wear
glasses in church.
Well, it's time to stand up and say "Poo to that!"
You can take a stance against the repression of sexuality within organized
religion by taking this specially-designed exexExChurch pledge:
I, state your name, no, I mean, say your name, don't just read out "state
unless your name actually IS "state your name"
hereby hold the following truths to be self-evident:
I believe that sex is a good thing and that my right and/or left hand
and/or state the name of your vibrator is my friend.
I believe that if God hated masturbation he would have made our arms
short, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
I believe that if God hated homosexuality, he wouldn't have allowed the
dolphins and flamingos and bedbugs to do it.
I believe that Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy should be cut from
the next edition of the Bible because they're contradictory, out of date,
and tend to detract from the forward movement of the plot.
I believe that me looking at porn is unlikely to cause kittens to be
killed, unless I squash one under a pile of old Hustler magazines.
I know that if I use porn I can do it in a sensible rational manner,
and will not turn into a raving maniac with cannibalistic tendencies and
a dog named "Precious."
I hereby promise to overcome any addiction I may have had to organized
closed-minded religion through the use of irony, parody, porn, and sleeping
in on Sundays.
If I lapse in this promise, I hereby promise to masturbate in church
while singing "I Touch Myself", so that they strongly discourage
me from returning next week.
We here at exexExChurch know that this pledge
does bugger-all really.
But it's nice to have a pledge, isn't it?