The time has come, O exexExchurch disciples, to go out into the world
and change things for the better. Despite our best efforts, church addicts
continue to attend places of worship and claim moral superiority over
others. We must do more to save them.
Operation Church Stakeout aims to do just that.
This exciting new operation has been inspired by addicted churchgoers
themselves, who have made it their business to stand outside of adult
businesses and harrass customers.
People like convicted sex offender John Reneer, who has been staking out
the Lion's Den Superstore in Uniontown, Kentucky and taking photos of
people legally entering that business. Reneer has threatened to post photos
of these people on the internet.
There's also Pastor Jim Norwood of Oakcrest Texas, who stood outside an
adult shop and took photographs of customer's cars, later sending them
a note urging them to take up a church addiction.
These sad addicts have shown us the way. We too can make our voices heard
through direct action!
This is a mission that must not fail. Here's the plan:
1. Gather some fellow disciples together and go
to a church near you, preferably on a Sunday when churches seem to be
2. Use a loudspeaker and tell the church addicts that they don't have
to go inside. Remind them that there is another way. A pleasurable, indulgent,
kind of sticky way.
3. Hold up placards with witty slogans like "You can be Porn again!"
"Church addiction can be cured!" and "You guys are wasting
a perfectly good Sunday morning going to church when you could be at home
sleeping in or playing scrabble or watching porn or something."
4. Hand out pamphlets to church addicts encouraging them to get in touch with
their porny side and recommending a good porn site or movie. Write things
like: "Why waste time fannying about with the Song of Solomon when
you can skip straight to the good stuff at exexExChurch.com..."
5. Take photographs of those who insist on going into the church. As they
obviously won't listen to reason and callously want to "exercise
their freedom of choice" to the detriment of society, they must be
shamed publicly. You can then identify where these individuals live and
harass them at their home, or post their photos on the porn site of your
We must pull together to beat church addiction! Obviously being nice
to these people doesn't work. Threats, harrassment and borderline criminal
behaviour is the new black. Hasn't history shown us, friends, that people
will only change their minds when you use force?
To the barricades!!
* Disclaimer: Some people out there persist in not having a sense of irony
and are unable to detect trace elements of humor, sarcasm and parody.
So let me spell it out for the dummies: The above is a joke. It's a joke
with a political point... but it's still a joke. OK? exexExChurch would
rather discourage church addiction through porn and parody, not by having
to actually get out of one's chair to go and do something nasty.
Oh, and the handy dandy Church sign is from the Church
Sign Generator page :)